it is what it is

// things that are hard but i am working my way through it //

1. expanding my presence and my voice

2. finding peace in living in this body

3. being proud of how far ive come

4. dancing freely

5. finding validity in this existence

in the evening there is feeling

today i am an incomplete circle.
something almost there but not quite not just yet.
today i lost my voice in between.
there's no softness in me left.
im all harsh light and sharp edges.
every gentle touch turns out to scar.
there's an angry storm in my chest that stings and makes me hate everything i have ever loved.
tonight i have stopped trusting the stars. tonight they are just dots.
its all heavy heavy heavy.

thank you for the bad days

// what i know is that there is hope in the air, and that is what's important. a chance to start again. //

i texted you twice in a row because i wanted to talk to you that badly.
i rescheduled plans with you after you cancelled because i wanted to spend time with you that badly.
i gave you second and third and fourth chances because i wanted to date you that badly.

you gave me mixed signals for the longest time.

im slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing the other good things in life. im slowly learning that i wont be able to get everyone to treat me the way i want to be treated and thats ok. im slowly learning that trying to 'win' someone over is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you nothing but emptiness.

sometimes its better to just let things be, let people go, dont fight for closure, dont ask for explanations, dont chase answers and dont expect people to understand where you're coming from.

(dec 2017 - april 2018)

i dont know how to say this but crumble was what i knew. i kissed strangers in dark corners, i let my eyes take over, i let my hands do the talking. i let it burn my tongue, i choked, i became it.

life was rough for the past months. i lost myself, had been experiencing subtle depression signs. once someone told me, "hey, you're gonna be worse and bad than before." that scares me.

i set my alarm for eight or eight thirty, got out of bed. i brush my teeth and showered. i turn on the kettle, i make tea and i drink the tea. i got to work feeling so mellow and i felt that i wasn't living. i was constantly searching for something to make me feel wholesome. i turned to the wrong things thinking it was gonna fill me up. i was so wrong. things got rather out of hand. i lost 35 pound, my sister was worried sick, i lost friends along the way, colleagues got sick of seeing me feeling so mellow. im not sure what made me felt that way but i knew what i needed to do was to change the toxic lifestyle that i had.

(restart)

i knew i had to go for long walks, clean my room, read and write, delete unnecessary texts, go on brunch dates, lunch dates, dinner dates with my friends. laugh, watch everything on netflix.

i have to take my time to feel better again. i hope this life will be long. it is not a big life at the moment. but it is something. it is big enough for me and everyone i love so its enough. it will expand, i dont doubt that. it will move into a bigger space when i am not ready for it and i will probably still cry alot. but it is this for now. it is this small, mundane thing that i dont mind, that i even love.

city lights

2017 june: {winter}

so glad that this trip to sydney happened.
i found what i was looking for. or at least got a
step closer to it.

i got to see the city and the people that i love
under a different light. i found myself in moments
of change. i will continue to chase adventure
and i will love wholeheartedly.

i have learned that we must follow the sun forward,
even if our steps tremble.

be kind, be soft, be light.
keep on fighting the good fight, it's not over yet.

some things are better left unsaid

he tells me: you do not need to
feel so strongly about everything.
i say: yes. yes i do
because i do not know any other way
to feel.
what i have inside me,
that's all i know.
that's all i have.

don't let me hate it.
don't take this away
from me.

"three years later, a new girl sits cross-legged on your bed.
she tastes like a different flavor of bubblegum than you are used to.
she opens up your drawer and a folded picture of us falls out.

you say: i dated her a while back.
what you don't say: her scent still lingers around.

you say: she was beautiful.
what you don't say: she warmed the winters in my bones.

you say: it's nothing now. we've moved on.
what you don't say: but it was everything back then."

romance is born

2015: December

December was a month of openings,
of letting the sun sink through my skin and
finding out nothing has been missing all along.

Morning came and brought with it a thousand miracles
of light and I am here, in it.
And I am healing.
And I am miles away from where I
wish to be.

But I am here.

// I know these will all be stories someday.
And our pictures will become old photographs.
And we'll all become someone's mom or dad.
But right now these moments are not stories.
This is happening. I am here and I am looking at him.
I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story.
You are alive. //

- Perks of being a wallflower

my neck is missing your kisses

I know that I can't make you feel better all the time. I know that I can't take away your sadness and replace it with happiness, I know that. But if I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. I know that I can't fix you completely, but I'll love you with every broken piece there is to you. I know you sometimes think that you aren't enough, that you don't deserve anything but baby you deserve love. You deserve my love and I'm always going to be here loving you. I wouldn't want to have it any other way, I wouldn't want to have anyone else but you. I promise to love you with each and every part of me, so that when there's still love left over, you can use that to fill up the voids inside of yourself so you have no choice but to self love.

I love you.