it is what it is

// things that are hard but i am working my way through it //

1. expanding my presence and my voice

2. finding peace in living in this body

3. being proud of how far ive come

4. dancing freely

5. finding validity in this existence

in the evening there is feeling

today i am an incomplete circle.
something almost there but not quite not just yet.
today i lost my voice in between.
there's no softness in me left.
im all harsh light and sharp edges.
every gentle touch turns out to scar.
there's an angry storm in my chest that stings and makes me hate everything i have ever loved.
tonight i have stopped trusting the stars. tonight they are just dots.
its all heavy heavy heavy.

thank you for the bad days

// what i know is that there is hope in the air, and that is what's important. a chance to start again. //

i texted you twice in a row because i wanted to talk to you that badly.
i rescheduled plans with you after you cancelled because i wanted to spend time with you that badly.
i gave you second and third and fourth chances because i wanted to date you that badly.

you gave me mixed signals for the longest time.

im slowly learning that the energy it takes to react to every bad thing that happens to you drains you and stops you from seeing the other good things in life. im slowly learning that i wont be able to get everyone to treat me the way i want to be treated and thats ok. im slowly learning that trying to 'win' someone over is just a waste of time and energy and it fills you nothing but emptiness.

sometimes its better to just let things be, let people go, dont fight for closure, dont ask for explanations, dont chase answers and dont expect people to understand where you're coming from.

(dec 2017 - april 2018)

i dont know how to say this but crumble was what i knew. i kissed strangers in dark corners, i let my eyes take over, i let my hands do the talking. i let it burn my tongue, i choked, i became it.

life was rough for the past months. i lost myself, had been experiencing subtle depression signs. once someone told me, "hey, you're gonna be worse and bad than before." that scares me.

i set my alarm for eight or eight thirty, got out of bed. i brush my teeth and showered. i turn on the kettle, i make tea and i drink the tea. i got to work feeling so mellow and i felt that i wasn't living. i was constantly searching for something to make me feel wholesome. i turned to the wrong things thinking it was gonna fill me up. i was so wrong. things got rather out of hand. i lost 35 pound, my sister was worried sick, i lost friends along the way, colleagues got sick of seeing me feeling so mellow. im not sure what made me felt that way but i knew what i needed to do was to change the toxic lifestyle that i had.

(restart)

i knew i had to go for long walks, clean my room, read and write, delete unnecessary texts, go on brunch dates, lunch dates, dinner dates with my friends. laugh, watch everything on netflix.

i have to take my time to feel better again. i hope this life will be long. it is not a big life at the moment. but it is something. it is big enough for me and everyone i love so its enough. it will expand, i dont doubt that. it will move into a bigger space when i am not ready for it and i will probably still cry alot. but it is this for now. it is this small, mundane thing that i dont mind, that i even love.