a note to self for 2014

say "I love you" in real life more often and less often on the internet

write more (no matter how dumb my words may seem at times)

stop spending so much freaking money, I'll need to save if I want to get out of here

write more letters and actually send them

ask "are you okay?" to those who seem like they need it

either eat healthy or work out because I know I can't do both

let those walls down brick by brick and maybe realise it's for the better

don't think too much, I'll slowly lose my mind

....... and lastly, start listening to my own advice

bruised

It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends and family each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. Look at you now, ta da, it's happening. Your mother, your grandparents: they all look at you like you're some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. You wish they'd stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you're not taking advantage of your youth. You want to kiss different people, you want to wake up in a stranger's bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing. You want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn't get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you're closed off now, you can only imagine what you'll be like later. Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you're starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They're the ones that are holding your twenties hostage. Stop thinking that everyone is smarter than you, everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it's not true but because that kind of thinking leave you frozen. You've already spent enough time feeling like you're stuck, like you're watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you're unable to hold on to anything. I don't know if you ever will get better. I don't know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active happy human being in their life. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that people get better each and every day but that's not really true. People get worse and it's their stories that end up getting forgotten. We have to value ourselves. We have to want great things in our lives. This sort of shit doesn't happen overnight but it can and will happen if we want it. Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?