october

throwback to this period of my life where its all just about new sights,

good vibes and speaking to strangers. no judgement, no assignments, no bad feels.

//visited perth, western australia for 3 weeks//

perth was beautiful, travelling opens my heart to many

i am going to get out of here again and explore the world

2014: october {fall}

october was rebuilding the wreckage from the storm

with two good hands

and desire settling in my heart.

there is tenderness in the way

flowers still grow in cracked

sidewalks.

there is bravery in standing in the belly

of a cloud with nothing but the wind

howling in your chest

to keep you moving forward.

it's not so bad, after all

picture this;

you're standing at the tongue tip edge of

wherever you are,

whatever this is,

and from here you can almost see everything.

lovers waking up next to each other,

a child discovering art

with her hands,

a lonely park bench finding company

in a weathered man,

the sun whispering light through windows.

picture this;

you're standing at the edge of the shore

with every wave crashing at your feet,

with every breath in your lungs

exhaling you alive,

and you look around,

and isn't it beautiful?

my god,

its beautiful.

a three letter word for the voice that haunts

your words carved bullet wounds into my chest

and the wolves that sleep in the forest of my heart

howled as they bled the colour of nothing.

you once asked me if i had a name for monster

that lives in my head.

i do, i said.

i named it after you.

//

on lights like these i open my window and feel

the icy air sting my skin

and i think of the first time

i fell in love.

it was the first time i fell and enjoyed the pain

as my knees bled and my chest caved in.

it was the first time

i lit a match to my soul just so i could be the sun for you.

you would bloom and i would burn

until i couldn't recognise my hands anymore.

until i looked in the mirror and saw nothing but

hollow eyes filled with

ash and smoke.

it's hard

and i know sometimes it's hard.
how you wake up in the morning only to feel every synonym for heavy
and it takes everything you've got to find the strength to walk out the door.

and i know sometimes it hurt.
how you want to scratch your way out of your own skin
but there's something hidden beneath and you are terrified to find out what.

5.13 am // 5.21 am

loneliness hits me at the most peculiar moments in my life. like right now.
the air is thick and my chest is tightening and i'm not sure what you can call this
except it hurts and burns at the back of my throat.
sometimes i feel like we're all itching for a hand to hold
and most often we all end up holding the wrong hand. i don't know what to call
this feeling. is there a name for it? sometimes it washes over me in waves and i feel
like i'm in a different universe. in this universe i don't know how to swim
so i'm drowning in an ocean without water.
what do you call that?
tell me.

22

i'm turning 22, and i have never fallen in love.

i want it, i crave it, but i'm also scared of it. i'm scared i'm going
to get distracted or i'm going to lose myself when i fall in love. and when i fall,
i fall hard. i have seen a little glimpse of myself in relationships,
and i don't like that person i become. i see
myself texting the guy all day and spend too much time
worrying if he really likes me or not.

in the past, i have wasted so much time investing in someone, hoping that feelings will
develop, i changed things about myself so i could be more appealing and
stripped away pieces of myself for the benefit of others.
during this time, i was scared of getting my heart broken, but what i ended up doing
was hurting myself even more.

people fear being alone, but what i think they really fear is themselves. why does
being alone carry such negative vibe? why is it that when people find out
you're alone, they feel sorry for you?

once i stopped looking for a relationship, a beautiful thing happened. i discovered who i was,
i started focusing on the things that made me happy.
//next month, i got to travel with my best friend. i am looking forward to it//

repetition

"

[3:39 A.M.]
darling, your sunlight is weak
but there is no need for apologies.
the lines on your arms are skylines;
horizons that serve as a crib to the sun.
the moon knows your pain
and universe understands.
so wipe the red away;
it is not the colour of the morning sky.

[4.43 A.M.]
believe me when I say
there are city lights in your eyes.
your feet are cold
but your pillows are now dry.
soon, the birds will wake.
the leaves will rustle
and your blue curtains will fly.
just dream a little more
for the sun is stirring awake for you.

[5:56 A.M.]
trust in me when I tell you
the streets in your heart
are no longer desolate and dark
but quiet, peaceful, and embraced by the fog.
there may be no one to wake you
but the cold is there to kiss your cheeks.
you will break through the mountains
and touch the sky with your fingertips.
your heart is the place of the rising sun
and all the flowers will look up to you.

[6:10 A.M.]
wake up now.
the world is waiting for you.

"

may

2014: May

may was made up of days of feeling to big for this

vessel made of skin and bones.

i have spent so many years painting myself

to become non existent that when i finally spoke,

and avalanche of words tumbled out,

and the voice that accompanied it was

the sound of the forgotten.

i saw you coming from a mile away but i was

never good at preparation so when you crashed

into my life, i fell hard.

you whispered the world in to my ears and took

my hand.

don''t look back, you said.

there's nothing left for us here.

i have spent the whole of may trying not to bury

words deep into my heart but when you breathed

i love you into me,

i carved my chest just to fit those words safely

into my heart.

stolen kisses

// questions that need answers //

how did it all started
is this how you want to live you life
is this it
do you know who you are
how long can you keep this all inside of you
is this all there is
do you know who you are
will you ever come back
what do you believe in
where did you come from
how long will you be staying
are you happy with who you have become
is this enough
where are you going
are you happy
where do we go from here
how are you, who are you, what are you
is this the end

open wounds

on nights like these, I think of you and how you left me with a paper cut heart.

tiny slits across the most vulnerable parts of the whole and I almost bled out with your back to me.

until I remembered to apply pressure in order to stop the bleeding.

you turned my hands into burning buildings that set fire to everything I touch and there are scars on my door knobs from all the times I have left and all the times I have decided to come back.

I am learning how to heal all the wounds you opened on me.

I paint the walls of my body with gentle touches.

I am learning how to heal myself.

/ / open wounds

thoughts at 2.41am

the world is beautiful at this time of the night.

the world around you is quiet and nothing feels real not even your problems that gnaw at your mind

during the day.

there are thousands, even millions of stars that freckle the night sky and as you stare at them

you realise that stargazing always seem to make things

better.

the world is beautiful at this time of the night, i wish more people

xxxxx are awake to experience it.

something about you

it's past midnight and the stitches that have held me together for so long are about to unravel itself and hundreds of words that i have been wanting to say will all come tumbling out. my words will form a puddle at my feet and my tears will cause the sea levels to rise. it's past midnight and what i'm trying to say is that i think i have lost myself again. it's just past midnight and maybe i should sleep for awhile.

growing up, we learned to protect ourselves. we made sure that we had wrist made of steel and that our bones were made of diamonds. we taught our skin to be tough, to be able to take the cuts and bruises that life brings. we grew up with people telling us to repeat the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" in our heads, over and over again. little did they know how wrong they were because while we made our exterior tough, we forgot about hearts and our minds. we forgot about how our hearts can still break and our minds can still replay conversations and events over and over and over again. they know that we forgot, so instead of hurling sticks and stones, they threw words of hatred, of anger. we're a bit older now, and we have learnt to keep our hearts and minds bulletproof but there are still days when words of hurt and pain will find a way into our insides. we're older now, so the words that hurt us are no longer "bitch" and "ugly" instead they are "i don't love you anymore" and "it was never you".

i don't love you anymore.
i don't love you anymore.
i don't love you anymore.
it was never you.

you see,
sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will rip my insides to shreds. stick and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will leave me lying on my bedroom floor hoping that the world will swallow me whole. sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will break my heart, and let me tell you bones breaking hurts less than your heart shattering into pieces.