a three letter word for the voice that haunts

your words carved bullet wounds into my chest

and the wolves that sleep in the forest of my heart

howled as they bled the colour of nothing.

you once asked me if i had a name for monster

that lives in my head.

i do, i said.

i named it after you.

//

on lights like these i open my window and feel

the icy air sting my skin

and i think of the first time

i fell in love.

it was the first time i fell and enjoyed the pain

as my knees bled and my chest caved in.

it was the first time

i lit a match to my soul just so i could be the sun for you.

you would bloom and i would burn

until i couldn't recognise my hands anymore.

until i looked in the mirror and saw nothing but

hollow eyes filled with

ash and smoke.

it's hard

and i know sometimes it's hard.
how you wake up in the morning only to feel every synonym for heavy
and it takes everything you've got to find the strength to walk out the door.

and i know sometimes it hurt.
how you want to scratch your way out of your own skin
but there's something hidden beneath and you are terrified to find out what.

5.13 am // 5.21 am

loneliness hits me at the most peculiar moments in my life. like right now.
the air is thick and my chest is tightening and i'm not sure what you can call this
except it hurts and burns at the back of my throat.
sometimes i feel like we're all itching for a hand to hold
and most often we all end up holding the wrong hand. i don't know what to call
this feeling. is there a name for it? sometimes it washes over me in waves and i feel
like i'm in a different universe. in this universe i don't know how to swim
so i'm drowning in an ocean without water.
what do you call that?
tell me.

22

i'm turning 22, and i have never fallen in love.

i want it, i crave it, but i'm also scared of it. i'm scared i'm going
to get distracted or i'm going to lose myself when i fall in love. and when i fall,
i fall hard. i have seen a little glimpse of myself in relationships,
and i don't like that person i become. i see
myself texting the guy all day and spend too much time
worrying if he really likes me or not.

in the past, i have wasted so much time investing in someone, hoping that feelings will
develop, i changed things about myself so i could be more appealing and
stripped away pieces of myself for the benefit of others.
during this time, i was scared of getting my heart broken, but what i ended up doing
was hurting myself even more.

people fear being alone, but what i think they really fear is themselves. why does
being alone carry such negative vibe? why is it that when people find out
you're alone, they feel sorry for you?

once i stopped looking for a relationship, a beautiful thing happened. i discovered who i was,
i started focusing on the things that made me happy.
//next month, i got to travel with my best friend. i am looking forward to it//