a note to self for 2014

say "I love you" in real life more often and less often on the internet

write more (no matter how dumb my words may seem at times)

stop spending so much freaking money, I'll need to save if I want to get out of here

write more letters and actually send them

ask "are you okay?" to those who seem like they need it

either eat healthy or work out because I know I can't do both

let those walls down brick by brick and maybe realise it's for the better

don't think too much, I'll slowly lose my mind

....... and lastly, start listening to my own advice

bruised

It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends and family each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. Look at you now, ta da, it's happening. Your mother, your grandparents: they all look at you like you're some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. You wish they'd stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you're not taking advantage of your youth. You want to kiss different people, you want to wake up in a stranger's bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing. You want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn't get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you're closed off now, you can only imagine what you'll be like later. Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you're starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They're the ones that are holding your twenties hostage. Stop thinking that everyone is smarter than you, everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it's not true but because that kind of thinking leave you frozen. You've already spent enough time feeling like you're stuck, like you're watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you're unable to hold on to anything. I don't know if you ever will get better. I don't know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active happy human being in their life. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that people get better each and every day but that's not really true. People get worse and it's their stories that end up getting forgotten. We have to value ourselves. We have to want great things in our lives. This sort of shit doesn't happen overnight but it can and will happen if we want it. Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

dandelions

My mouth constantly betrays me, the distance between my head and my mouth is sometimes too far and words and meanings get lost along the way. Like that time I tried to tell you that I loved you but as those three words travelled along the bumpy road from my head to my mouth, they all got lost and what was left was silence. Three seconds of silence. One for each word I wanted to say but didn't. You see, with writing, it was easier. The road from my head to my fingertips was much smoother. Words would flow from my fingertips creating sentences more elegant than my mouth ever could.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Writing was my home.
Now, there is a traffic jam inside of me and my words are trapped inside of me. They don't belong in here, they belong on paper, they belong in the space between us. Take me home.
I want to go home.

you are full of the world

When you are lying on the bedroom floor and you are crying - no, crying isn't the right word but I'm not sure the English language has a word for this yet because this is more than just tears streaming down your face. When you are lying on the floor and you are crying, and your vision is blurry, and you can't breathe. I want you to remember this, your lungs and heart are doing all that they can to help you breathe again. Your vision will become clear again but sometimes they just need a good wash with salt water. It is okay if this time it takes longer to clean. You are skin and bones and muscle that all breathe one word: strong. This doesn't mean that you don't feel weak from time to time. Here's something else: while you're lying on the ground, press your ear against the floor and listen. Hear that sound? It's the sound of the living and it's beating inside of you.

he had beautiful eyes

I think life is about listening to music that gives you goosebumps, closing your eyes & letting the sun shine on your face, recognising the smell of grass and rain soaked asphalt and your mum’s perfume, wrapping your arms around people and burying them into your chest until they’re only breathing in love, seeing new places and learning new things. Really, learning and learning and learning until you don’t feel like judging anyone for anything.

Lately I've been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be... and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody's favourite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.

issues

Don’t let society shape the person you become. Don’t sit there and let the opportunities to become a better ‘you’ pass you by. If you have a vision of what you’d like your future to be and what person you’d love to be but you’re assuming change will happen in the future, say goodbye to that mindset and change your attitude right now, because your future depends on the now. If you want to climb Everest, you can; if you want to be an actor and create standing ovations, you can; if you want to be healthy, fit and lean; you can, the only thing stopping you is yourself. Have a lovely day, wherever you are. You have the opportunity to become anything you’d like.

dreams are forever

Don’t get stuck. Move, travel, take a class, take a risk. There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming. Don’t lose yourself at happy hour, but don’t lose yourself on the corporate ladder either. Stop every once in a while and go out to coffee or climb in bed with your journal. Now is your time. Walk closely with people you love. Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned. Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep travelling honestly along life’s path.

darling, won't you keep me close?

Have you ever noticed that humans have made it so difficult and complicated to "survive" in this world? It's a vicious circle. You go to school, and try really hard, so that you can get into a good college, and then you try really hard at college to get a good job, and then you try really at your job, so you can make money. And then your kids do the same thing. And everyone just keeps on doing this and no one even stops to think why they're doing it any more. Everyone just does it because it's what you are supposed to do. And like, before, when the human race had just started, the goal was to just survive. People just lived. I mean, that's really matters, right? Survival. Because after you die, it doesn't matter what college you went to.

it's such a shame

We're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "I'm just tired," we say. But you know what? It's bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it's not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say "I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible." We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness and coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and "I'm fine, thank you." Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it all openly. We are not metal - we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood courses through our old, clammy hands. We are so intricate an beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what's left to show?

don't kill my vibes

Hello cheery people, I've decided to start up a blog again. Enjoy reading, bye xx.