stolen kisses

// questions that need answers //

how did it all started
is this how you want to live you life
is this it
do you know who you are
how long can you keep this all inside of you
is this all there is
do you know who you are
will you ever come back
what do you believe in
where did you come from
how long will you be staying
are you happy with who you have become
is this enough
where are you going
are you happy
where do we go from here
how are you, who are you, what are you
is this the end

open wounds

on nights like these, I think of you and how you left me with a paper cut heart.

tiny slits across the most vulnerable parts of the whole and I almost bled out with your back to me.

until I remembered to apply pressure in order to stop the bleeding.

you turned my hands into burning buildings that set fire to everything I touch and there are scars on my door knobs from all the times I have left and all the times I have decided to come back.

I am learning how to heal all the wounds you opened on me.

I paint the walls of my body with gentle touches.

I am learning how to heal myself.

/ / open wounds

thoughts at 2.41am

the world is beautiful at this time of the night.

the world around you is quiet and nothing feels real not even your problems that gnaw at your mind

during the day.

there are thousands, even millions of stars that freckle the night sky and as you stare at them

you realise that stargazing always seem to make things

better.

the world is beautiful at this time of the night, i wish more people

xxxxx are awake to experience it.

something about you

it's past midnight and the stitches that have held me together for so long are about to unravel itself and hundreds of words that i have been wanting to say will all come tumbling out. my words will form a puddle at my feet and my tears will cause the sea levels to rise. it's past midnight and what i'm trying to say is that i think i have lost myself again. it's just past midnight and maybe i should sleep for awhile.

growing up, we learned to protect ourselves. we made sure that we had wrist made of steel and that our bones were made of diamonds. we taught our skin to be tough, to be able to take the cuts and bruises that life brings. we grew up with people telling us to repeat the phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" in our heads, over and over again. little did they know how wrong they were because while we made our exterior tough, we forgot about hearts and our minds. we forgot about how our hearts can still break and our minds can still replay conversations and events over and over and over again. they know that we forgot, so instead of hurling sticks and stones, they threw words of hatred, of anger. we're a bit older now, and we have learnt to keep our hearts and minds bulletproof but there are still days when words of hurt and pain will find a way into our insides. we're older now, so the words that hurt us are no longer "bitch" and "ugly" instead they are "i don't love you anymore" and "it was never you".

i don't love you anymore.
i don't love you anymore.
i don't love you anymore.
it was never you.

you see,
sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will rip my insides to shreds. stick and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will leave me lying on my bedroom floor hoping that the world will swallow me whole. sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes words will break my heart, and let me tell you bones breaking hurts less than your heart shattering into pieces.

a note to self for 2014

say "I love you" in real life more often and less often on the internet

write more (no matter how dumb my words may seem at times)

stop spending so much freaking money, I'll need to save if I want to get out of here

write more letters and actually send them

ask "are you okay?" to those who seem like they need it

either eat healthy or work out because I know I can't do both

let those walls down brick by brick and maybe realise it's for the better

don't think too much, I'll slowly lose my mind

....... and lastly, start listening to my own advice

bruised

It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends and family each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. Look at you now, ta da, it's happening. Your mother, your grandparents: they all look at you like you're some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. You wish they'd stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you're not taking advantage of your youth. You want to kiss different people, you want to wake up in a stranger's bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing. You want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn't get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you're closed off now, you can only imagine what you'll be like later. Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you're starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They're the ones that are holding your twenties hostage. Stop thinking that everyone is smarter than you, everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it's not true but because that kind of thinking leave you frozen. You've already spent enough time feeling like you're stuck, like you're watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you're unable to hold on to anything. I don't know if you ever will get better. I don't know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active happy human being in their life. I'd like to think so. I'd like to think that people get better each and every day but that's not really true. People get worse and it's their stories that end up getting forgotten. We have to value ourselves. We have to want great things in our lives. This sort of shit doesn't happen overnight but it can and will happen if we want it. Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

dandelions

My mouth constantly betrays me, the distance between my head and my mouth is sometimes too far and words and meanings get lost along the way. Like that time I tried to tell you that I loved you but as those three words travelled along the bumpy road from my head to my mouth, they all got lost and what was left was silence. Three seconds of silence. One for each word I wanted to say but didn't. You see, with writing, it was easier. The road from my head to my fingertips was much smoother. Words would flow from my fingertips creating sentences more elegant than my mouth ever could.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Writing was my home.
Now, there is a traffic jam inside of me and my words are trapped inside of me. They don't belong in here, they belong on paper, they belong in the space between us. Take me home.
I want to go home.